Halloween hasn't been quite the same since 2005. That was the day that Stephanie came off life support. I was here in Springville, with Steve & Daniel in SoCal at her hospital bedside. Because I wasn't there, it is sometimes surreal. I can for a few seconds believe that she is in Chula Vista, or Montclair, or anywhere but dead. It's taken three years for this irony to occur to me: A diabetic died the day after Halloween.
I'm not sure anyone but Steve understands why I wasn't there. It wasn't because I had just started my new job here, although that was an ok excuse. It also wasn't just a financial decision. Initially, when we got the call from Daniel, and Steve flew down, I really thought that he would bring Stephanie home, here in Springville, and we would take care of her, maybe even in an impaired condition. We talked every day he was there, and in the first two days when we realized there was probably no return, I made a conscious (and spiritual) decision: Daniel & Steve, and even Cheryl, needed to be together without my additional dynamic. While in some ways it meant I didn't need to deal with the immediate situation, it also meant I wasn't there physically to support Steve emotionally. That was hard. It also opened me to criticism from other people who loved Stephanie. That, I don't care about, much. The part I wasn't prepared for was how difficult the 'closure' part has been. Grief sneaks up on me at odd times. I tried very hard to be a supportive, non-judgemental step-mom, but during her teens, Steph was unable to accept what I had to give. The year before her death, when she came up to Elverta to visit, I had the first glimmer of hope that the relationship I wanted with her might evolve in the coming few years. We didn't know we didn't have time. That was the last time I saw her. I need Daniel, in particular, to know that I loved Stephanie, and cared very much about her life. I was happy that she was finally getting a direction and doing the massage therapy school. I had great hope for her to find herself, apart from Daniel & Victoria or anyone else. She needed to know who SHE was.
Three years later, I'm done second guessing. I did the right thing. It would've been easier to have been there and immediately experienced the emotions, rather than have them blunted by separation from reality. I really feel that while for us left behind her death was untimely, her move to an eternal realm has allowed her far more freedom to learn about herself, and about Truth. The real Stephanie is moving forward and happy.
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2 comments:
I assure you I know and I know you love Victoria and I as well. I know you loved her as you love us and as you have always loved us. If I have shown or expressed any negative sentiment towards you for staying home I sincerely apologize and ask your forgiveness. I don't remember ever feeling any negative feelings about it but my memory can be poor and there are also times I say things in ways that express totally different emotions or feelings than I intended. Whatever it was, I'm sorry if I ever did or said anything that caused you to feel any doubt.
This weekend her memory has lingered on me as well as I'm sure it has on everyone who loved her. The wound hurts less and less as time passes but I know it'll always be there. I'm happy that you've come to know for yourself that the decision you made was the right one. I agree, I'm just sorry that it made the closure harder for you.
I love you and I'm so excited for Christmas!
Daniel, It wasn't especially you. In fact, I haven't really talked to you about this at all. I just realized that there was a lot of your mom's family at the services, and I imagined there might have been conclusions drawn. My motivation for not being there was as I said: You & your dad needed uninterrupted time to process all of the experience.
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