Really?

Note from Sue: Ellie wrote this a year or more ago but it wasn't published for some reason.

Your life changes in a million ways from the very moment you find out you're going to have a baby. One of those changes is that somehow you magically appear on the mailing list of a butt-load of companies that want to sell you things "for your baby." I've had a free issue to Parenting Magazine ever since I was pregnant with Sam and made a trip to the Motherhood Maternity store. I've moved THREE times and this magazine has followed me everywhere! Sometimes I immediately throw it in the bag to go to the thrift store, but sometimes I crack it open thinking there might be something interesting in it. What usually follows is that I start either laughing or yelling at the authors in my brain. Then when James gets home we make fun of them together. (Which keeps me from being the crazy mom that sends them a scathing email after every issue comes out.)

Today the cover had a cute little girl in a bat costume on it and the headline promised "30 fab costumes your kids and your budget will love." Yes, well, that was untrue, but I started flipping through the pages and getting sucked into all the cute little edible halloween decorations that looked really fun to make until I realized I had no clean dishes to make them in. :D Then I read this:

Your Main Squeeze

Boost your child's confidence with our hug how-to

(Wait ... seriously? A hug how-to?)

Trying to catch your little one in an embrace may seema daunting task. (A daunting task? Really? Because they're covered in poisonous spines or because you let them play with machetes?) But hugging has more benefits than an expression of love - it boosts your kiddo's self-confidence, too. "Hugs show children that they are loved and appreciated, not becausee of something they did but because of who they are," says Edward R. Christopherson, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Mercy Hospitals and Clinics in Kansas City, MO. (That's what that guy has to show for his Ph.D.? Kids who have parents that hug them feel better about themselves than kids who were raised by wolves?) The perfect formula? Get down to your little one's level and wrap him in both arms with chests touching - that symbolizes a "heart to heart," (Symbolizes a "heart to heart?" Like just in case you forget the proper "hug positioning," just remember that your aorta and the child's aorta should be touching?) says Andrea Weiner, Ed.D., author of More Than Saying I Love You: 4 Powerful Steps That Help Children Love Themselves. (Wow. I gotta know what those other 3 steps are. This is ground breaking stuff here.) And try to hold the hug for about 3 seconds. Any more, and your bambino will be wriggling away before you can say, "xoxo."

-Guramrit Khalsa

Seriously, I would have SO much more respect for this article is it was presented as a help for parents with Autism or Asperger's Syndrome. ... Or parents who are aliens. ... Or robots. Oh! I totally forgot to say that at the bottom of the article there's a cute little photo of the quintessential 60's dad just home from work, hugging his kids. There's a caption with an arrow pointing to the picture that says:

Hugs enhance parents' well-being, too!

So just in case you weren't convinced by all those doctors on the benefits of hugging your children (or maybe it still just seemed a little to daunting what with their ninja stars and all) you should try it because it will enhance YOUR well being - ya know, like a superfood but without the calories!

Honestly, I'm 99% sure that I have nothing to worry about here. I'm sure in a few days there will be a ton of people making fun of poor Guramrit for his helpful little tutorial on how to hug those scary little kids living in your house. BUT, as I'm being bombarded with advertisements for all this STUFF that corporations are telling us we NEED for our children to make our lives bareable, it kinda makes me wonder. While I was looking for a baby monitor online, I read an advertisement that, seriously, made me want to cry. (Ok, I was pregnant. Don't judge. Those hormones are no joke.) Anyway it was one of those monitors that has a million different settings so that, not only can you listen for when your baby wakes up, but you can also play 5 different lullabyes, or pre-record your own voice, or even use it like a sort of walkee-talkee to talk to your baby. But here's what bothered me - the caption over the picture in big cheerful letters:

"Soothe your baby without ever entering the nursery!"

(Insert picture of me here with jaw on floor.) :O

This is crazy to me! Why did you have kids, for goodness sakes? Dude, Wall-E was SO right! I can feel my bones getting squishier!

The same day I found the monitor that promises that you'll never have to go in your kid's room, I found another little monitor-looking thing. But this is no ordinary baby monitor. No. It's called "tTe Itzbeen." "The Itzbeen Pocket Nanny," to be precise. (Those Swedes know what they're doin', ya know. With furniture makin' AND baby nannyin'.) So what the Itzbeen does is ... ok, nevermind, I'll let them tell us:

"The Itzbeen Baby Care Timer from Coast Innovations is a great aid to every new parent. It is a multi-purpose digital timer tool designed to help you remember the basic details of baby care. Itzbeen baby care digital timer has four timers that count up with the touch of a button. These four buttons include: baby changing, baby feeding, napping, waking, and one extra that you can customize. (Maybe we should set this one for "hugging.") Also, the Itzbeen baby care timer includes a back clip so it's portable, a soft-glow nightlight, nursing reminder for the mother to remember which side the baby nursed from last, and a display backlight lets you read times in the dark. Itzbeen baby care timer is a must have for every new parent to make those first few months more enjoyable!"


Am I crazy, or is this ridiculous? At first, I think, "Who buys this stuff???" But then I remember that time I was pregnant with Sam and ventured into Babies R Us and ended up leaving in tears. It was SO overwhelming. We had NO money. I thought maybe I could scrape together about $100 to spend on getting some baby necessities before he was born. But it seemed like that was the bare minimum price tag on just about everything there! I remember calling James from the store and asking him if he thought he could make the baby a safe cradle out of wood. The more I walked around the more overwhelmed I got. I had no idea babies needed so much stuff! How could I have been so irresponsible to think we were ready to bring a baby into this world before we finished school and had a six figure income?!? Then Sambo surprised us by coming WAY before we were prepared for him and I soon found out babies don't need any of that crap. Who knew? They like boobies and they like warm bodies, and as far as safety goes, if you're with them - they're safe.

Now, I know the Mommy of the engineer that made the Itzbeen Pocket Nanny is super proud of her little Sven. And I'm sure there are lots of people who work with special-needs parents who can vouch that having a timer for certain baby care duties can be a great help for some parents. BUT ... I HATE that in our culture we completely discount any of the intuition or instinct or MAGIC that happens when you become a parent. New parents question themselves SO much, and these advertisers are right there ready to pounce ... er ... I mean, "offer help."

Besides the ridiculous advertisements, the other reason I hate these main-stream parenting magazines is this subtle tone they carry of trying to help parents "cope" with this life-changing time.

Instead of saying,
"Yeah, we get it. This whole parenting thing is CRAZY. And stressful. But it's also awesome, and in the big scheme of things, since you've decided to become a parent, raising this little person is the MOST important thing you will ever do. If you trust your instincts you'll have every tool you need."

Their tone is much more like, "Yep, this is CRAZY. And YOU need to keep it together. But there's no way you're gonna be able to do this unless you take care of you. So make sure you take a break. Get a sitter. Have Me-Time. Think about going back to work part-time. Oooh, look at this mom - she started her own business! Look what this mom made! You don't want to be one of those boring stay-at-home frumpy do-nothing moms. You can't let your kids be the center of your life because you will be stressed-out and uninteresting. So you need to go get a pedicure. And a glass of wine. Now." (I'm dead serious. I'm pretty sure every issue has said something about relaxing with a glass of wine.)





Thoughts on grace and a detour to glory

I decided 'grace' would be my scripture study topic, but in true form, as soon as I left the Bible dictionary for my first scripture, something else caught my eye. In John 15 Jesus gives the parable of the true vine. In verse 8,"Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit;"
It has never squared with my understanding and my personal experiences that God, our Father, was a being who wanted glory. He is not an egotist!  But at that same moment, the following occurred to me: He is not seeking glory. He is seeking for His children's welfare. He wants us to know and understand and act upon who we are as children of divine, eternal, infinite Celestial parents. And with each new step we take, even the smallest of baby steps, with their lurching, awkward, unsteady gait, He beams! He is honored by our goodness. As we, His children, blossom and learn to act on our Godly, noble true being, bearing much fruit, it reflects on Him, for we are like Him.
 As a parent of adult children, I understand! As Daniel, Victoria, Richard, Carisa, James, and Ellie show compassion in their dealings with people, I am glorified. As they seek and follow the guidance of the Spirit, my soul is enlarged. When others see them, my part in their lives is revealed a bit, and yet, it's not about ME. It is about my children's ability to enact positive things which will lead them to knowing their true, infinite worth, and will in turn inspire those around them to discover THEIR true nature and act upon it.  Being glorified, then, isn't being an egotist; it's rejoicing in the success of your children and feeling humbled and honored.

Steve & I just spent a glorious Labor Day weekend at portions of the Timpanogos Storytelling Festival, and I was inspired! We should be telling our stories. Unfortunately, my best thoughts come while driving and listening to NPR. By the time I get to where I can actually record them, I resemble a Jack Webb character from 1960's TV: "Just the facts, Ma'am". I came to the conclusion at the Festival that my stories would be greatly enhanced if I were from Cuba, Ireland, or Appalachia, or just about anywhere in the South, because everything sounds better with an accent. But then, I also realized that my students hardly understand me, so maybe a good vocabulary could substitute for a cool accent. Ya think?
    With the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington just this past week, I thought maybe my first story should be how that intersected with my life. I'm 56, a white, middle-class, California-born female and so it would seem that I'd be worlds apart from the Civil Rights movement that the March on Washington symbolizes. And when I was 6, that was probably true. I was busy skipping 1st grade to 2nd and being confident when a classmate asked me what 'H-U-G-E' spelled that I was right. I said 'hug'. But almost immediately I realized that I had forgotten about that silent e making the u say its own name. But- I -didn't- admit- i- had- been- wrong. I don't know how long that classmate walked around with that error!
    BUT in terms of civil rights (small letters), I knew that people ought to be treated kindly and what was good for the goose was good for the gander (a saying my parents and grandparents said). I understood that to mean that all people were created equal. Well, really, I suppose at six I understood that if I got to sit down on a bus seat that anyone else who got on that bus ought to be able to sit down as long as there were seats. We rode the jitney (the little bus) from Hillside Blvd. to the Top of the Hill in Daly City, CA.
   I actually wasn't aware of the March on Washington when I was 6, when it was happening, but I became very aware of our country's inequalities just 2 years later, in 1965. That was the year we were moving to La Habra in Southern CA AND the year of the Watts riots. I saw them on the news on our brand new color TV. It was even more horrifying than the footage of the VietNam war. This was in my country AND in the place where I was going to be moving very soon. Why were people so angry? I really don't recall getting an explanation. I was frightened. I think I understood from the news that it was a community problem, but of course later I could see that it was an eruption in response to oppression. At 8, I became aware for the first time that people with different skin color lived in different communities, and I began to wonder. From that time forward, I began to pay attention to Martin Luther King, Jr., and the injustices and oppressions that I could never have thought about from my seemingly ordinary position.

Why Sam Needs A Truck

Just wanted to write down the conversation I had with Sam in the car yesterday. Just for a little background: Sam really likes old trucks. The 40's to early 50's models seem to be his favorite, but just about any old truck will turn his head. Part of his 10-Year-Plan is to buy an old truck to restore with Daddy when he's big enough to drive. So in the car yesterday we passed by an old truck that I knew he would notice and sure enough I heard,

"Mommy! Did you see that cool truck?"

"Yeah, I did, it was pretty nice."

"Yeah, I wish I had a truck like that. Except I don't think there would be enough room for me and you and Jonas and Daddy and the new baby, so that wouldn't be very good."

"Yeah, but when you're big enough to drive you could just take Jonas and the new baby with you and that would be fun."

"Yeah, and if I needed to carry anything I could just put it in the back ... like a really big basket ... or dead animals ..."

"Dead animals???"

"Yeah, like if I found a dead kangaroo I could just put it in the back of my truck."

"Why would you want to put a dead kangaroo in the back of your truck???"

"Or like if it wasn't dead but it was just like kinda hurt then I could take to ... you know that place ... where they fix 'em up."

"The veterinarian?"

"Yeah, I could take it to the veterinarian and then I would have a pet kangaroo."

"Oh, ok."

"Or if it was just a little tiny baby kangaroo then I could put it in a little basket like a carseat and then it could be in the front part with me and be toasty warm."

"Yeah, that would be good."

"So that's why I wish I had a truck like that."

"That makes perfect sense."

He knows!

What do my 16 year old self and my nearly 54 year old self have in common? Give up? It is not my girlish (um..really?) figure, my (now) auburn hair, or the knowledge I have. We were and are both loved by God, a Heavenly Father, a real being who existed then and exists now. I recently experienced a distinctive manifestation of that love that I want to share with the people I love the most.
Our family has many levels of belief and understandings of God. In order to communicate this experience best, I'd like to put my belief and understanding out here so as you read, you can use it as the context. I believe in God who directed the creation of a beautiful earth to give his beloved children a place to live and grow, and who set in motion natural laws that govern the earth's processes (geologic, meteorologic, etc.) Each part was created spiritually before it was created physically, including me. God knew me then, as he knew each spirit creation. He gave me a particular, unique package of personality, intellect, and propensities, and just like the natural processes, He set governing laws for my existence. His hopes for me as I became a mortal being through birth in a human family were such that the interplay of my "package" with the circumstances that I encountered and choices I would learn to make would propel me to become like He is, a perfect being. He wants me to come back to live with Him.
Because He loves us, He has distributed His power, the Priesthood, among mere men. These are pretty ordinary men who have promised to follow His Son (and thus Him) and keep the commandments. In fact, all of my sons have had the priesthood conferred upon them. It is only useable if they keep their covenants. One of the offices of the priesthood is a Patriarch, which is a formal calling to use the priesthood in a particular way: they receive revelation from God in order to give a once in a lifetime blessing to those who seek this information. Each blessing is unique to the person receiving it, and gives guidance about gifts and weaknesses that helps an individual throughout one's life.
When I was 16, I received a Patriarchal Blessing. I have often read it, worked to develop gifts mentioned, and recognized (sometimes in hindsight) what God knows about my potential. It is NOT in any way connected to predestination. God does not limit his children. There ARE hints or direct statements about what that potential is, and what one's purpose in life may be.
I have developed through the years a vibrant knowledge that God is real, that he knows ME as an individual, and cares about what I do. He loves me. I really can't explain the depth of His love, but because I have experienced it, I know it. The closest I can come to understanding or explaining it is through my experience as a mother.
My life recently has been pretty intense in preparing for a new professional chapter in my life. I have felt guided and have gained more confidence in the moving forward to unknown paths, because of God's love for me. I have had an underlying feeling that somehow this fits into the potential God would like me to reach.
Now to the recent experience: Wednesday (March 30) was the day I was to begin my interview experience at Weber State University. When I left home that morning, I would do 5 classroom observations, spending over 6 hours at a school before going the additional hour to Ogden and the dinner with the search committee. I had gotten a priesthood blessing from Steve Tuesday night, in which I was calmed and encouraged. My prayers Wednesday morning were pretty selfish prayers focused on what I was going to be doing, with a little praying for others. As I rose from my knees to continue my morning routine, to my mind came a phrase from my patriarchal blessing given almost 40 years ago. I have come to recognize these kinds of thoughts as messages from God, whispered by His Spirit. "You will achieve and gain knowledge and great skill as you continue in the realms of higher education and learning. Through your humbleness and prayerfulness and by listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, you will know all that you should do." For me, this was a direct message, revelation, that God was encouraging me. I HAD achieved a measure of knowledge & skill, and He would help me as I went through the interview experiences. I felt His confidence in me during my teaching, during all the various interviews with the Dean and numerous faculty, and during my research presentation. How could I NOT have confidence in myself? I realized more strongly than ever that He knows me.
Because of my great love for MY children, I want to share this experience in hopes that you will also come to know or come to know more deeply and firmly of His love for you. Amidst all of the demands of this life, the more one tries to find how to align one's life with God's, the more an individual comes to know and feel His love. It's always there.

Leprechauns!

Today while Sam was at preschool I thought it might be fun if he got a visit from the leprechauns. I have some teensy tiny baskets in my craft stuff, so I put a chocolate covered miniature marshmallow in each one and hung them on the branches of a bush outside. While Sam and I were working in the garden I casually mentioned that I saw something moving around in the bushes, but Jonas needed something so I didn't have time to go check it out. I told him he should go look and see if maybe there was a squirrel's nest or a bird nest or something in there. He went over about 5 feet from the bush and sort of glanced in its direction and said there was nothing.

"Oh, ok," I said. "It's just that it's getting close to St. Patrick's Day and I wasn't sure if Leprechauns come around here or not. We should probably keep a look out for them."


That changed things. He definitely thought we needed to take a closer look. Key word: WE. He was definitely not going near that bush by himself. So while I kept weeding we talked casually about it. There was definitely nothing to be scared of. Even if it WAS a Leprechaun, you'd NEVER see one. They sleep during the day and they definitely don't want any little boys to catch them. It was probably just a bird or a squirrel or something anyway.


When he couldn't stand it anymore, I finally got up to take a look at the bush. We went to the opposite side of where the treasures were, and pretty soon I heard,


"Mommy! I see something!"


It was a ball. Not our ball. Some random dirty old ball was under that bush. The leprechauns must have taken it from some other kid's house and hid it there. Awesome.


We kept looking for quite a while. The baskets were inches from his face and he looked right past them. Finally he saw one. You can imagine the look on his face.


"Mommy!" he gasped.


"Wow, what's that inside?"


"Chocolate!"

"Is it?"


"Yeah! ... or maybe poop or something."


I laughed pretty hard. "You think a leprechaun pooped in that basket?"


"Maybe, because they play tricks."


Then he noticed the 5 other baskets still hanging up. "Mommy! A LOT of poop!" ... "This is magic!"


We gathered up all the baskets and there was quite a bit of deliberating on whether it was poop or chocolate. He wanted me to try it first. I wanted to try it together. I kept counting to 3, but he seemed to have no intention of putting it in his mouth. Then all of a sudden he popped one in and pronounced it to be chocolate. Brave boy.


After some more treasure hunting we heard someone's voice and both looked up at the same time. In our driveway, about 20 feet away there was a surveyer wearing a bright orange work vest digging a hole.


"There he is!"

"Ya think? You wanna go see?"


He nodded and ran right over to him. I should explain here how funny an orange vest can make someone look when you have leprechauns on the brain. He was a round, jolly looking fellow, but a big guy, not leprechaun size. He would make a great Santa, though, if you slapped a white beard on him. He had a big booming voice, and when he saw Sam running over so excited he called out, "Hey, Buddy! I'm looking for treasure. You wanna help me?"


Sam turned back to look at me. His jaw was on the ground and his eyes were huge. He turned back to the orange-vested leprechaun and nodded up and down as big as he could.


He showed Sam his magic stick that made funny noises. He waved it over the ground and said, "When we find treasure it'll sound like this," (and he waved it over the hammer in his tool belt.) I was trying SO hard not to bust up laughing. You could just see exactly what Sam was thinking: I AM LOOKING FOR TREASURE WITH A REAL LIFE GIANT LEPRECHAUN!!!


After that it was pretty much just boring surveying stuff. (Sam was really hoping to dig a hole, I think.) They were looking for the property line and were radio-ing back and forth but couldn't seem to find it. "Nope, no treasure today. Sorry, Buddy."

I didn't want Sam to think road workers and surveyors and anyone wearing an orange vest are all magical people that play tricks and leave treats for little boys, so I told him that he should tell the man about what he found. So Sam showed him the baskets and said, "We found these in our bush."


For a second there the man's eyes got really big and he looked at me like, what the heck??? Maybe for a half a second he thought we found some indian baskets or something? I don't know, but he was definitely surprised for a moment.


I told him that we were pretty sure the leprechauns left them and that when we saw him in our driveway Sam thought maybe HE was the leprechaun. He got a good laugh out of that and assured Sam he was a little too big to be a leprechaun.

Sam had some candies in gold wrappers left over from his pinata, so he put those in the baskets and hung them in the bush for the leprechauns to find. I have a feeling we may be spending a lot more time in the bushes the next couple weeks.

anyone?....anyone?

I'm channeling Ben Stein as the boring teacher. "The war of 1812 was fought in the year...? Anyone? ...Anyone?
I was reading the past blog posts and while I enjoyed writing them, only Ellie ever commented or tried to play with me!
Maybe because I'm the mom, but mostly because I have a tender heart, it is important to me for our family to grow closer. To me that means trying to know each other for who we are now, and not relying on old conceptions. I realize that part of being family is sharing a history. I think that is incredibly valuable. It at least gives some context for why we have become who we have become, as well as giving grounds for a kind of family shorthand. When a particular event or era is referred to, the whole story doesn't necessarily need to be told. A phrase or a single word communicates the shared idea of the experience.
I realize that it is MY need to grow closer that I am putting out here. How would all of you propose to accomplish that need? As a corollary, is there a need others feel, or is everyone else fine the way it is?
I've considered why I feel we are distant, and offer the following explanation as it applies to me. As we've transitioned into all adults, I find that I enjoy watching the changes, but that our ways of relating to each other haven't kept up. Maybe as a parent, you 'children' expect me to still consider you as I did when you were children. That would certainly affect our relationship. If one is expecting to be treated as the person they were in an earlier time, then the relationship could get stuck in the past, using past communication types. That is not satisfying for me, because I am continuing to change, and I hope as I grow, my ability to be genuine, to be warm, and to consider others' growth will also deepen.
Gotta go to choir now, but I want to post in hopes that more of you will respond.