Well Friday morning came and I went to my appointment with the surgeon and the rep from Precision . The Surgeon took out the stitches and then the tech went to work. As he brought the stimulator power on and started to program it, I felt for the first time in 6 years a glimmer of hope. I have been waiting for 2 years to get this technology installed into my body just so I can try it out to see if it would work, and now is the awakening of the technology and it is blocking the pain signals that for 6 years have been tormenting me. The bliss that I have felt and the training time since, trying to get the level dialed in to block the pain but not feel the pulses, have been fun. Isn't it a wonder that God knows just what you need but allows you the trials to prepare yourself for the receipt of the wonders of his love and blessings. Even though Man "made the advancements" God has had his hand in everything being developed. He has placed the right people in the right places to be able to intelligently research and develop the wondrous machines and medicines necessary to enhance the lives of his children.
I Love the Lord so much and am so thankful for his involvement in this whole process. I have been so blessed lately that I can scarcely hold in the happiness I feel. Since leaving the military I have tried to make my life conform to the way the Lord and the Savior would like me to be. He blessed me with Sue and thusly with two wonderful new sons. With the two blessings I had already, that made my life so full and robustly happy. Now as the years that have passed, I have been blessed with more loved ones in the form of three wonderful daughters-in-Law that I see in my eyes as new Daughters. My Life I know will still contain more trials and struggles, but I rellish the struggles to overcome them because I know that they will ultimatly make me stronger in life and stronger spiritually.
Thank You Father for your Love in my life.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Playing 'Up'
As you can see, I've been in some intense thinking modes. I just applied for a Doctoral Fellowship, a cash award to assist doctoral students with their research. It is a competitive process, where you submit your application, and wait until Spring to hear if you've been chosen from among the candidates. Whenever I'm involved in intense writing/thinking academically, I learn new things about myself. Here's my latest thought (besides 3rd time's the charm):
When I was a kid, I dreamed of being heroic. I read biographies--every one with the blue denim cover in the school library--of famous people who made a difference. That's the kind of hero I wanted to be.
While that's who I wanted to be, I had a lot of fears that held me back. What if people found I wasn't really smart? What if I couldn't perform? If I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't want to try, at least not in public. I missed a lot.
Having a marriage fail amid a relationship dynamic that was toxic to self-worth changes a lot. Failing at a very important life and eternal task led me to rethink and rebuild who I was. As the marriage ended, I had developed a new strength that began with understanding my worth to God. I determined that I could try new things. If you don't try, you'll never know what you can do.
This carried over into my teaching career, to a point.
Let me stray for a moment into a sports metaphor to help illustrate the core of my recent thinking. In High School, Freshmen generally are restricted to Freshmen teams and aren't allowed on Junior Varsity or Varsity teams, at least in my era. A few kids who are really good, are invited to 'play up'. When you are invited to play up, there is the very real chance that you won't see much action. The choice, then, is to stay with your lower level team, but be a star, or play up, but risk being overshadowed and even outplayed by the older players while you're learning. Guess who has the opportunity to learn more? Yep, the one playin 'up'. They get to test themselves against better players. More resistance over time builds muscle.
I realized recently that my style has been to stick with what I know, to stay with the Freshmen. The old adolescent fears kept me from becoming the person making a difference. Ever since coming to Utah, I've been coming closer to leaving the fear of failure behind for good. In my doctoral program, I'm finally 'playing up'.
When I was a kid, I dreamed of being heroic. I read biographies--every one with the blue denim cover in the school library--of famous people who made a difference. That's the kind of hero I wanted to be.
While that's who I wanted to be, I had a lot of fears that held me back. What if people found I wasn't really smart? What if I couldn't perform? If I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't want to try, at least not in public. I missed a lot.
Having a marriage fail amid a relationship dynamic that was toxic to self-worth changes a lot. Failing at a very important life and eternal task led me to rethink and rebuild who I was. As the marriage ended, I had developed a new strength that began with understanding my worth to God. I determined that I could try new things. If you don't try, you'll never know what you can do.
This carried over into my teaching career, to a point.
Let me stray for a moment into a sports metaphor to help illustrate the core of my recent thinking. In High School, Freshmen generally are restricted to Freshmen teams and aren't allowed on Junior Varsity or Varsity teams, at least in my era. A few kids who are really good, are invited to 'play up'. When you are invited to play up, there is the very real chance that you won't see much action. The choice, then, is to stay with your lower level team, but be a star, or play up, but risk being overshadowed and even outplayed by the older players while you're learning. Guess who has the opportunity to learn more? Yep, the one playin 'up'. They get to test themselves against better players. More resistance over time builds muscle.
I realized recently that my style has been to stick with what I know, to stay with the Freshmen. The old adolescent fears kept me from becoming the person making a difference. Ever since coming to Utah, I've been coming closer to leaving the fear of failure behind for good. In my doctoral program, I'm finally 'playing up'.
3rd time's the charm
'Third time's the charm' as the saying goes. But what makes the 3rd time lucky? I was thinking about my 'lucky' 3's. It took me 3 times of starting my Bachelor's degree to finally finish it. I started at BYU as a 17 year old, a little later at CSU Sacramento until I got pregnant with James, and then finally finished after the divorce--graduating in 1986. Same for my Master's. One start for School Psychology/MFCC, a second for Educational Administration, and finally, the completed degree in Educational Technology. Significantly, Steve is my third try at marriage. So is it all 'luck', a 'charm'?
Luck connotes something whimsical or out of control of anyone. I am certain that in all of the cases of being successful on the 3rd try, volition was involved, and therefore luck was, well, out of luck. What was operational in all of the examples given was choice, hope, and perseverance.
With my Bachelor's degree, I chose to begin, and chose an environment that was nurturing to my awakening spirituality. I also chose to take a moratorium, afraid to make a mistake in my choice of career. But I also had hope that I would eventually figure out my path, and I would return to continue my education. Before I knew James was going to be born, I felt it was time to forge that path. I still did not know which direction to go, but the hope for a future of fulfillment was guiding me to that choice. When I found out I was expecting, I continued my plan to return to school, knowing it would only be for a semester, again with hope that my opportunity would come in the future. At that season, I chose to mother my children.
The connection between choice, hope, and perseverence for me is this: whether our choices lead us in the direction we had thought, or in some other way, a vision or goal will keep us focused with hope. By keeping that positive vision and joining that vision with perseverance, we make that 'charm' occur.
So third time's the charm? No. The third time is simply often the culmination of choosing not to give up, having hope for the important goal to be fulfilled.
Luck connotes something whimsical or out of control of anyone. I am certain that in all of the cases of being successful on the 3rd try, volition was involved, and therefore luck was, well, out of luck. What was operational in all of the examples given was choice, hope, and perseverance.
With my Bachelor's degree, I chose to begin, and chose an environment that was nurturing to my awakening spirituality. I also chose to take a moratorium, afraid to make a mistake in my choice of career. But I also had hope that I would eventually figure out my path, and I would return to continue my education. Before I knew James was going to be born, I felt it was time to forge that path. I still did not know which direction to go, but the hope for a future of fulfillment was guiding me to that choice. When I found out I was expecting, I continued my plan to return to school, knowing it would only be for a semester, again with hope that my opportunity would come in the future. At that season, I chose to mother my children.
The connection between choice, hope, and perseverence for me is this: whether our choices lead us in the direction we had thought, or in some other way, a vision or goal will keep us focused with hope. By keeping that positive vision and joining that vision with perseverance, we make that 'charm' occur.
So third time's the charm? No. The third time is simply often the culmination of choosing not to give up, having hope for the important goal to be fulfilled.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Steve Here
Well the Stimulator is in and if it works as well as it did on the table I am going to be so happy next Friday when they turn it on permanently.
First they gave me a Spinal Block, which numbs you from the injection site down, so I could be awake for the whole thing. then they gave me some sedation so I wouldn't be anxious. That just made me loopy. I sang and hummed the whole time. I bet they thought me quite mad. After the y opened me up the Surgeon nipped off pieces of the Lamina so that he could have better access to place the wire. The wire is like the one Josh showed me in the beginning except that it had a paddle at the end of it that had 16 contacts on it. when the surgeon placed the wire then the Precision tech fired up the unit to see how well and how close she could get to the final program. She and the surgeon workes together until I was tingling from Paddle placement point to my big toes. She then turned it off and the surgeon placed the unit inside my right side. The tech then turned it back on and made sure everything was still working and then turned it off.
That was the neatest operation that I have ever been able to observe. I stayed overnight in the, get this, Maternity postpartum ward. How neat is that. Not everyone gets that privilege. Except maybe evey woman who has ever given birth.
Today I don't feel too bad. I feel better after every "nap",4 hours or more. I am going to try and cut down on the pain meds so that I can be able to drive myself where I want to go. The only thing that I feel is the fact that my whole body seems to be bloted or swolen a bit.
Well I will let all know how things are going so that you know how I am doing. Thanks for all your prayers, they have worked very well. Thanks to Richard and family for visiting me in the Hospital. Expecially thanks to Ben for the cute card he made me. It will be going into my keepsake file.
First they gave me a Spinal Block, which numbs you from the injection site down, so I could be awake for the whole thing. then they gave me some sedation so I wouldn't be anxious. That just made me loopy. I sang and hummed the whole time. I bet they thought me quite mad. After the y opened me up the Surgeon nipped off pieces of the Lamina so that he could have better access to place the wire. The wire is like the one Josh showed me in the beginning except that it had a paddle at the end of it that had 16 contacts on it. when the surgeon placed the wire then the Precision tech fired up the unit to see how well and how close she could get to the final program. She and the surgeon workes together until I was tingling from Paddle placement point to my big toes. She then turned it off and the surgeon placed the unit inside my right side. The tech then turned it back on and made sure everything was still working and then turned it off.
That was the neatest operation that I have ever been able to observe. I stayed overnight in the, get this, Maternity postpartum ward. How neat is that. Not everyone gets that privilege. Except maybe evey woman who has ever given birth.
Today I don't feel too bad. I feel better after every "nap",4 hours or more. I am going to try and cut down on the pain meds so that I can be able to drive myself where I want to go. The only thing that I feel is the fact that my whole body seems to be bloted or swolen a bit.
Well I will let all know how things are going so that you know how I am doing. Thanks for all your prayers, they have worked very well. Thanks to Richard and family for visiting me in the Hospital. Expecially thanks to Ben for the cute card he made me. It will be going into my keepsake file.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Our Christmas Tree Adventure
Saturday we went up to Apple Hill to get our Christmas Tree. James, of course, had lots of homework, so we got a pretty late start and knew we would have to pick out a tree fast before it got dark. We were looking for the hunt n cut farm we usually go to when our car started overheating. FAST. We turned on the heater, but before long the heater was blowing out cold air. (That can’t be good.) We pulled over in a drive way. I was ready to call Triple A and go home, but James was adamant that we would NOT be leaving without a tree. So while James let the car cool off, Sam and I walked up the hill to begin Christmas Tree browsing. It was almost dark. We were the only ones there. The farmer was very old and seemed a little worried that we wanted a Christmas Tree so late. James talked to a young guy that was visiting the farmer’s family and wrangled some water to fill up the radiator. Soon he found Sam and I, and together we found the most beautiful Christmas Tree EVER. While James strapped the tree to the roof of our little Honda Civic, the farmer called Autozone to see if they were still open (it was almost 5:00 for goodness sake!) and his wife gave Sam and I a little bag of apples. We stood around the car for a few minutes discussing how to get to Autozone and putting giant pickle jars of water in the trunk, while Sam showed me over and over, “A doggie! A doggie! A doggie!” The farmer noticed and called “Shirley,” his aging Britney Spaniel, over to entertain Sam. Sam was thrilled (like he never sees dogs or something) and was happy petting Shirley while the grown-ups did whatever it is that grown-ups do. I was keeping an eye on Sam and Shirley while I put our apples in the car. Shirley was old so I wasn’t sure how much she would appreciate an almost 2 year old touching her, but since the farmer called her over to visit I figured she must be used to grandkids. I reminded Sam to be gentle even though he was doing a good job of being gentle, and he thought it was hilarious that Shirley kept putting her itchy bum in his face for him to scratch. Sam turned to look at me, thrilled that he was petting a dog, just as Shirley thrust her bum into the side of Sam’s head. Sam started to fall and reached out to grab Shirley’s bum. Shirley didn’t like that. She moved quick for such an old gal. Not a little warning snap either. She told Sam what was up … a few times. At that point the farmer was standing at just the right angle to block my view of where Sam and Shirley met. I thought she just snapped up his hands good. But after a minute or two I could slowly see she got Sam’s face. He got a good bruise and a little blood right under his eye, and another bite mark over his nose. It was pretty heartbreaking to see him so sad, especially because the poor little guy didn’t even do anything. He was being gentle, darn it. Well, that got us on the road quick. We kinda felt like we got took. We paid $53.00 for the Christmas Tree! But we didn’t really have much choice, and like I said, it is the most beautiful Christmas Tree EVER. It was nice that they gave us water and a few apples, but then their dog tried to eat my kid, so … I’m not sure who came out on top. Oh, I forgot the funniest part. There was also this raggedy looking orange barn cat there. Sam kept showing it to me, “A cat! A cat!” When Sam was crying from his brush with death at the jaws of Shirley the old farmer went and got that nasty cat and tried to bring him over for Sam to pet! That thing was hissing and growling and scratching that poor old man! Too bad I didn’t see him do that BEFORE he called Shirley over, then I would have known not to trust his judgment in his animals’ temperaments!
Well, if you’re feeling bad for Sam I’ll give you the whole story so he can REALLY get some sympathy. That same morning when we were taking Daddy to work, Sam fell down the cement stairs out front and got a good bump and road rash on his forehead. Then the tussle with Shirley happened. Then, back at home, he fell off the kitchen chair he wasn’t supposed to be standing on and got a bump on the other side of his forehead. The next day he decided to give himself a haircut … in the tub … with the razor. Then today (please don’t call CPS) I accidentally shut the tip of his thumb in the car door. Yep. Poor guy.
So … our Christmas Tree Adventure didn’t really go as planned … (I didn’t even get any pie, darn it!) But it made me really thankful to be a girl. When the car broke down, other than offering my Triple A card, my work was done. James had to figure out how to keep us safe and not lose all our savings towing and fixing our only car. My job was to have a good time with Sam while Daddy made everything better. It was a little disappointing not to have the family outing we thought it would be, but we did have a good time. When I was a kid, having a disaster like that would have definitely ruined the whole day and everyone would have hated each other. Sam’s probably not old enough to even remember this trip (which may be good to prevent a future dog phobia) but even if he was old enough to remember, I’m sure he would remember it as a fun trip. He had no idea we got ourselves in a mess. He just thought we were taking an extra long walk to get to the trees. And he really was excited to pick one out - that was neat - to see him “discussing the merits” of each tree in different tones of nonsense adjectives. Sam is very proud of his special tree. He gets excited every morning when he sees it. He likes to turn the light switch on to light it up, and we catch him smelling it and (for some reason) blowing on it – not sure what that’s about, but it sure is cute.
Well, if you’re feeling bad for Sam I’ll give you the whole story so he can REALLY get some sympathy. That same morning when we were taking Daddy to work, Sam fell down the cement stairs out front and got a good bump and road rash on his forehead. Then the tussle with Shirley happened. Then, back at home, he fell off the kitchen chair he wasn’t supposed to be standing on and got a bump on the other side of his forehead. The next day he decided to give himself a haircut … in the tub … with the razor. Then today (please don’t call CPS) I accidentally shut the tip of his thumb in the car door. Yep. Poor guy.
So … our Christmas Tree Adventure didn’t really go as planned … (I didn’t even get any pie, darn it!) But it made me really thankful to be a girl. When the car broke down, other than offering my Triple A card, my work was done. James had to figure out how to keep us safe and not lose all our savings towing and fixing our only car. My job was to have a good time with Sam while Daddy made everything better. It was a little disappointing not to have the family outing we thought it would be, but we did have a good time. When I was a kid, having a disaster like that would have definitely ruined the whole day and everyone would have hated each other. Sam’s probably not old enough to even remember this trip (which may be good to prevent a future dog phobia) but even if he was old enough to remember, I’m sure he would remember it as a fun trip. He had no idea we got ourselves in a mess. He just thought we were taking an extra long walk to get to the trees. And he really was excited to pick one out - that was neat - to see him “discussing the merits” of each tree in different tones of nonsense adjectives. Sam is very proud of his special tree. He gets excited every morning when he sees it. He likes to turn the light switch on to light it up, and we catch him smelling it and (for some reason) blowing on it – not sure what that’s about, but it sure is cute.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Indiana Jones, starring Ben Cleverly
Here is Ben in his Indiana Jones costume. I cropped his cousin, Parker, out because he was Scooby Doo and I didn't want any confusion since Ricky was also Scooby Doo
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Election Day - Daniel's perspective
The day is still young and the last 24 hours still very fresh in our minds. I'm going to try and keep this short but I want to start out by asking the rest of you individually to give your thoughtful feelings and impressions of this historic election day, the results perhaps and thoughts on the future. Some of you have yet to post and I know it's hard to share opinions when you aren't sure how they will be received or what the reply might be but I think it's important. So here I go...
Yesterday I was frantic. I spent much of the morning and afternoon really digging my head "in the books" and by that I mean online, researching every initiative and every candidate for school board or medical board or city council until I felt confident that every single vote I made yesterday would be one I could be proud of. I did just that.
On the drive home last night from shopping, some results were already coming in. It's always amazed me how the media will call a state for a candidate when less than 5% of the votes are in. I saw New Mexico called for Obama and Wyoming for McCain before a single precinct had reported. It blew my mind! Well, the votes came in and the media was right but still...how can they do that? I was happy at what they were predicting but I got really nervous that they might be jinxing it or something.
As it became more and more clear that Obama would be our next President-elect, I was filled with so much joy and then as those of you who know me would expect, the fear, the caution and the subtle tones of doubt started to creep in. I have to say that now I've got what one might call cautious optimism. I'm hopeful that Obama will be a good president and will lead us through the tough times we face now and tough times we're sure to face in the next four years. He will be challenged, that's for sure. The world wants to know if this country can still be counted on to lead. Do we still have any integrity left? Now that Bush is gone, what will become of us? Who will we be as a nation? Can we learn from our own history? Not just the past 8 years but the past 232?
Then as those thoughts started to pass I turned the channel to local news and followed as some things went my way (prop 1a, 2-7) and some didn't (Prop 8 & 10). Some of them I didn't feel too strongly about as far as my emotions were concerned. Prop 2 would help in some ways but hurt in others and really not do enough in the end. Prop 7 was poorly written but prop 10 wasn't so why did people strike BOTH down? Prop 1a seems like a rush into things. Sure this country needs a high speed rail line but north and south through CA? REALLY? Not through Washington? Not east-west to Dallas, Denver, Chicago, New York, Washington DC? Oh well. Still a good start I guess.
Prop 8 was a tough one and I've hesitated giving my opinion because my emotions behind this are strong enough that I don't have the personal strength, discipline or control to argue the point rationally. In my head, the thoughts are clear, concise and logical. I know the real stance of both sides. I know how both sides think and why they feel what they do. I don't like many of the tactics by proponents and I don't like the lack of tactics by opponents. I don't like what I've seen some citizens against the proposition have done to those who expressed favor for it. The whole thing has been very nasty and well I'm still very angry, hurt, frustrated and disappointed in a lot of people I deeply care about so I'll just say that I wish it had gone differently and I guess we'll all just agree to disagree. Maybe sometime I'll the emotions will have subsided enough that I can talk more about it without getting so upset.
So yeah this election day brought tears of joy and pain, relief and anger, pride and disappointment. All election days do to some extent I think but this one was big and so the emotions on all sides were much stronger. I'll be watching closely in the coming weeks as Obama chooses his cabinet, decides which white house staff or pentagon officials keep their posts and who are sent packing. I'll watch his first 100 days and see what he can do with a democratic majority in both houses. I tend to fall a bit on the liberal side on a lot of social and domestic issues but I do not trust the Democratic party and I worry about what might come.
I want what's best for this country and what's best is that all voices get heard, all people get to work and do what's right for themselves and for the nation as a whole and that we all, especially in our disagreements, find a level of respect for each other instead of all the divisiveness that has plagued us since 9/11 and even before that. Let's truly stand united as a family, united as brothers and sisters of our Heavenly Father, united as friends as well as brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers and united as citizens of this great country. Sounds like I'm running for office don't it? I get this way around this time every four years. It's cheesy and I'll mock myself for it later but don't worry it's all in fun and I promise to be entertaining when I do it so we can all giggle a bit.
I'm confident that our lives will be better in 2012 than they are now. All of us. I love you all and that is one emotion I don't mind sharing as often as possible and as strongly as I can in words. Take care and God bless.
Yesterday I was frantic. I spent much of the morning and afternoon really digging my head "in the books" and by that I mean online, researching every initiative and every candidate for school board or medical board or city council until I felt confident that every single vote I made yesterday would be one I could be proud of. I did just that.
On the drive home last night from shopping, some results were already coming in. It's always amazed me how the media will call a state for a candidate when less than 5% of the votes are in. I saw New Mexico called for Obama and Wyoming for McCain before a single precinct had reported. It blew my mind! Well, the votes came in and the media was right but still...how can they do that? I was happy at what they were predicting but I got really nervous that they might be jinxing it or something.
As it became more and more clear that Obama would be our next President-elect, I was filled with so much joy and then as those of you who know me would expect, the fear, the caution and the subtle tones of doubt started to creep in. I have to say that now I've got what one might call cautious optimism. I'm hopeful that Obama will be a good president and will lead us through the tough times we face now and tough times we're sure to face in the next four years. He will be challenged, that's for sure. The world wants to know if this country can still be counted on to lead. Do we still have any integrity left? Now that Bush is gone, what will become of us? Who will we be as a nation? Can we learn from our own history? Not just the past 8 years but the past 232?
Then as those thoughts started to pass I turned the channel to local news and followed as some things went my way (prop 1a, 2-7) and some didn't (Prop 8 & 10). Some of them I didn't feel too strongly about as far as my emotions were concerned. Prop 2 would help in some ways but hurt in others and really not do enough in the end. Prop 7 was poorly written but prop 10 wasn't so why did people strike BOTH down? Prop 1a seems like a rush into things. Sure this country needs a high speed rail line but north and south through CA? REALLY? Not through Washington? Not east-west to Dallas, Denver, Chicago, New York, Washington DC? Oh well. Still a good start I guess.
Prop 8 was a tough one and I've hesitated giving my opinion because my emotions behind this are strong enough that I don't have the personal strength, discipline or control to argue the point rationally. In my head, the thoughts are clear, concise and logical. I know the real stance of both sides. I know how both sides think and why they feel what they do. I don't like many of the tactics by proponents and I don't like the lack of tactics by opponents. I don't like what I've seen some citizens against the proposition have done to those who expressed favor for it. The whole thing has been very nasty and well I'm still very angry, hurt, frustrated and disappointed in a lot of people I deeply care about so I'll just say that I wish it had gone differently and I guess we'll all just agree to disagree. Maybe sometime I'll the emotions will have subsided enough that I can talk more about it without getting so upset.
So yeah this election day brought tears of joy and pain, relief and anger, pride and disappointment. All election days do to some extent I think but this one was big and so the emotions on all sides were much stronger. I'll be watching closely in the coming weeks as Obama chooses his cabinet, decides which white house staff or pentagon officials keep their posts and who are sent packing. I'll watch his first 100 days and see what he can do with a democratic majority in both houses. I tend to fall a bit on the liberal side on a lot of social and domestic issues but I do not trust the Democratic party and I worry about what might come.
I want what's best for this country and what's best is that all voices get heard, all people get to work and do what's right for themselves and for the nation as a whole and that we all, especially in our disagreements, find a level of respect for each other instead of all the divisiveness that has plagued us since 9/11 and even before that. Let's truly stand united as a family, united as brothers and sisters of our Heavenly Father, united as friends as well as brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers and united as citizens of this great country. Sounds like I'm running for office don't it? I get this way around this time every four years. It's cheesy and I'll mock myself for it later but don't worry it's all in fun and I promise to be entertaining when I do it so we can all giggle a bit.
I'm confident that our lives will be better in 2012 than they are now. All of us. I love you all and that is one emotion I don't mind sharing as often as possible and as strongly as I can in words. Take care and God bless.
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