I have decided to add my own thoughts to the discussion. This Halloween as of the past three have been very hard ones to get excited about. November 1st will always be a hard date for me to handle. with the Holidays coming up I thought it prudent to scratch down my feelings.
I love all my children and their respective spouses. However as a parent who loses a child I can tell you all that the pain, while easier to deal with, never decreases. Even though I didn't love Stephanie any more than the rest of my kids, I Loved her deeply. She will always be a part of me that I miss very much. As for Sue not being there, I also made a choice not to beg her to be with me. She is right that Dan and I needed the time together so that he could see just how much She and he really meant to me.
I still cry at all the things thought of that we could have shared like watching her be a mom and seeing her get married to a great guy. As you can tell this is not mom but me, dad. Sorry I can't remember my own sign-in so just listen to my musings.
You are all very special spirits and I am SO proud of ALL of you. I am so blessed to have Three Sons and Three daughters here and One daughter waiting for us with Heavenly Father.
Well I had better close this posting before I get too maudlin and get water on the keys.
Wooppee I remembered my PW
Monday, November 3, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Halloween musings
Halloween hasn't been quite the same since 2005. That was the day that Stephanie came off life support. I was here in Springville, with Steve & Daniel in SoCal at her hospital bedside. Because I wasn't there, it is sometimes surreal. I can for a few seconds believe that she is in Chula Vista, or Montclair, or anywhere but dead. It's taken three years for this irony to occur to me: A diabetic died the day after Halloween.
I'm not sure anyone but Steve understands why I wasn't there. It wasn't because I had just started my new job here, although that was an ok excuse. It also wasn't just a financial decision. Initially, when we got the call from Daniel, and Steve flew down, I really thought that he would bring Stephanie home, here in Springville, and we would take care of her, maybe even in an impaired condition. We talked every day he was there, and in the first two days when we realized there was probably no return, I made a conscious (and spiritual) decision: Daniel & Steve, and even Cheryl, needed to be together without my additional dynamic. While in some ways it meant I didn't need to deal with the immediate situation, it also meant I wasn't there physically to support Steve emotionally. That was hard. It also opened me to criticism from other people who loved Stephanie. That, I don't care about, much. The part I wasn't prepared for was how difficult the 'closure' part has been. Grief sneaks up on me at odd times. I tried very hard to be a supportive, non-judgemental step-mom, but during her teens, Steph was unable to accept what I had to give. The year before her death, when she came up to Elverta to visit, I had the first glimmer of hope that the relationship I wanted with her might evolve in the coming few years. We didn't know we didn't have time. That was the last time I saw her. I need Daniel, in particular, to know that I loved Stephanie, and cared very much about her life. I was happy that she was finally getting a direction and doing the massage therapy school. I had great hope for her to find herself, apart from Daniel & Victoria or anyone else. She needed to know who SHE was.
Three years later, I'm done second guessing. I did the right thing. It would've been easier to have been there and immediately experienced the emotions, rather than have them blunted by separation from reality. I really feel that while for us left behind her death was untimely, her move to an eternal realm has allowed her far more freedom to learn about herself, and about Truth. The real Stephanie is moving forward and happy.
I'm not sure anyone but Steve understands why I wasn't there. It wasn't because I had just started my new job here, although that was an ok excuse. It also wasn't just a financial decision. Initially, when we got the call from Daniel, and Steve flew down, I really thought that he would bring Stephanie home, here in Springville, and we would take care of her, maybe even in an impaired condition. We talked every day he was there, and in the first two days when we realized there was probably no return, I made a conscious (and spiritual) decision: Daniel & Steve, and even Cheryl, needed to be together without my additional dynamic. While in some ways it meant I didn't need to deal with the immediate situation, it also meant I wasn't there physically to support Steve emotionally. That was hard. It also opened me to criticism from other people who loved Stephanie. That, I don't care about, much. The part I wasn't prepared for was how difficult the 'closure' part has been. Grief sneaks up on me at odd times. I tried very hard to be a supportive, non-judgemental step-mom, but during her teens, Steph was unable to accept what I had to give. The year before her death, when she came up to Elverta to visit, I had the first glimmer of hope that the relationship I wanted with her might evolve in the coming few years. We didn't know we didn't have time. That was the last time I saw her. I need Daniel, in particular, to know that I loved Stephanie, and cared very much about her life. I was happy that she was finally getting a direction and doing the massage therapy school. I had great hope for her to find herself, apart from Daniel & Victoria or anyone else. She needed to know who SHE was.
Three years later, I'm done second guessing. I did the right thing. It would've been easier to have been there and immediately experienced the emotions, rather than have them blunted by separation from reality. I really feel that while for us left behind her death was untimely, her move to an eternal realm has allowed her far more freedom to learn about herself, and about Truth. The real Stephanie is moving forward and happy.
More halloween Pics
The Snow Queen & "Chuck" (We don't have any of Ben as Indiana Jones. He was at his Dad's. I hope we get some pics.)
The full effect of the Change costume. I also thought that if the political aspect didn't work, I could always work my 'age' angle where 'change' has an entirely different meaning. Steve wore his same costume, jeans, polo shirt, and a smile.I'd like to see some California Halloween pics, too.
halloween pics
I needed a 5 minute costume. Thanks to Donielle, I just needed some change, hot glue, and my computer. I got a lot of chuckles, and also left people to wonder if I was promoting, or mocking Obama.
Ricky looking in his candy bag.
This boy loves candy!
Monday, October 27, 2008
My First Photography Job!
Well I found it ironic that the day I got laid off, was the day after I worked my first real paid photography gig. What a weird way to celebrate.
Well the event I shot was a corporate party/reception that they themed the Wine & Culinary Olympics. Essentially there were various stations around the room where people had to perform various tasks. At one you could draw your own wine label. Another was like a jeopardy board of wine & culinary trivia. There was a station where you had to sip wine and guess which was the $100 bottle. There were others but in the end the top six with the most points would win prizes. I took photos of the opening remarks, some of the activities, trying to get everyone that was there and then of course the prizes, the closing remarks and a few parting shots as people had their last bits of food and drink and headed towards the trolley to whatever hotels they were staying at.
Got home worried that I didn't take enough photos or how poorly they would look. Worked on them through the weekend and sent the CD to the client this morning. They didn't turn out GREAT but were better than I'd heard about so I don't suspect too much complaining. Some pics did turn out quite good so hopefully that wins them over. If they like what I did, it could mean more jobs and since they paid me $500 for this job, I'm hoping they'd be willing to pay a little more now that they know what I can do.
SOOO excited! I'm a professional photographer! As the doubts come in my brain I worry about whether I'm just an amateur posing as a professional but I guess the reality of that is yet to come. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing my best, learning lessons along the way and improving myself whenever I can.
Well the event I shot was a corporate party/reception that they themed the Wine & Culinary Olympics. Essentially there were various stations around the room where people had to perform various tasks. At one you could draw your own wine label. Another was like a jeopardy board of wine & culinary trivia. There was a station where you had to sip wine and guess which was the $100 bottle. There were others but in the end the top six with the most points would win prizes. I took photos of the opening remarks, some of the activities, trying to get everyone that was there and then of course the prizes, the closing remarks and a few parting shots as people had their last bits of food and drink and headed towards the trolley to whatever hotels they were staying at.
Got home worried that I didn't take enough photos or how poorly they would look. Worked on them through the weekend and sent the CD to the client this morning. They didn't turn out GREAT but were better than I'd heard about so I don't suspect too much complaining. Some pics did turn out quite good so hopefully that wins them over. If they like what I did, it could mean more jobs and since they paid me $500 for this job, I'm hoping they'd be willing to pay a little more now that they know what I can do.
SOOO excited! I'm a professional photographer! As the doubts come in my brain I worry about whether I'm just an amateur posing as a professional but I guess the reality of that is yet to come. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing my best, learning lessons along the way and improving myself whenever I can.
How the economy has affected me
Well it's taken me all weekend to kind of get my mind wrapped around this but now I can tell everyone. The short of it is that I got laid off Friday morning. The details basically go like this:
The company I worked for provided coaching, systems and tools to real estate agents that signed up for membership with us. The main way of gaining new members was a tiered system by which we would hold a 3-day conference each month in various cities around the country to sell attendees on the idea that they should join our membership. Before this, we would hold ten free 3.5 hour workshops in various places around this city that we'd pick to introduce real estate agents in the area about our Main Event. So an agent would attend a workshop, go to the Main Event and hopefully sign up as a member. That's how we earned our money.
My job was to build the lists of agents we were going to market to in order to drive them to these workshops. As time went on my responsibilities grew. I'd do reports, sit in on meetings and even started being trained on some administrative things the sales department would do. Essentially it got to the point where my job had become so secure only one thing could end it without my having done something to earn being fired. They had to stop doing workshops. Guess what happened?
They made the decision last week that the Seattle run we were working on would be our last workshops and the last main events we would hold. Half the sales team was let go as well as me. The guy below me that helped update the lists...somehow survived. Not sure what he's doing now but it kinda shocked me that I was asked to leave and he stayed. I figured it'd be futile and childish to argue about it so I just packed my things calmly, smiled and shook hands, said "that's business. It's OK" and left.
So now I've applied for unemployment, got forbearance on student loans until next October and will try to consolidate a couple of my credit accounts that I have with Wells Fargo (since they've offered a million times before and I turned them down) and based on our personal budget, so long as we pay for our NEED expenses only, then we can pretty well make it forever since much of our debt balances will work to zero by next summer and that should help us out just as the money is running out.
Just to ease the pressure and questions, we still have money to do the things we've already planned through the rest of 2008 including coming up for Christmas. We've saved away a certain amount for those things and the money is already there. Spending them will not put us in a bad spot so we're going ahead with our plans.
We have a friend of ours coming out from Ottawa for a week, we're doing Halloween with friends in Chandler, AZ and then there's Christmas. Victoria is working extra overtime so we can get me some of the clothes I need. My Dockers are frayed at the bottoms and I'm running out of t-shirts that I can use as undershirts and mostly short sleeve button up business shirts. So hopefully that money will allow me to get those things I need and then we'll be all set until I get a new job.
I plan on applying for permanent positions right away including at UCSD which pays pretty well. Victoria is helping me with that. After Rhian goes back to Ottawa I'll apply with temp agencies and if I still have nothing in six months I may start looking at ANYTHING that I might possibly be able to do.
Anyways, prayers will help as usual. This economy is the pits. Everything I'm hearing is that I could be out of work for a long time since even temp agencies are having trouble placing people but I'm crossing fingers, praying to Heavenly Father and I have faith that something better than I had is around the corner. It might not come as fast or in the way I want it to but I'm sure it will come all the same.
Love you all and miss you terribly. This blog has become such a great blessing. I love hearing from you guys so far and it makes me feel so much closer to you.
The company I worked for provided coaching, systems and tools to real estate agents that signed up for membership with us. The main way of gaining new members was a tiered system by which we would hold a 3-day conference each month in various cities around the country to sell attendees on the idea that they should join our membership. Before this, we would hold ten free 3.5 hour workshops in various places around this city that we'd pick to introduce real estate agents in the area about our Main Event. So an agent would attend a workshop, go to the Main Event and hopefully sign up as a member. That's how we earned our money.
My job was to build the lists of agents we were going to market to in order to drive them to these workshops. As time went on my responsibilities grew. I'd do reports, sit in on meetings and even started being trained on some administrative things the sales department would do. Essentially it got to the point where my job had become so secure only one thing could end it without my having done something to earn being fired. They had to stop doing workshops. Guess what happened?
They made the decision last week that the Seattle run we were working on would be our last workshops and the last main events we would hold. Half the sales team was let go as well as me. The guy below me that helped update the lists...somehow survived. Not sure what he's doing now but it kinda shocked me that I was asked to leave and he stayed. I figured it'd be futile and childish to argue about it so I just packed my things calmly, smiled and shook hands, said "that's business. It's OK" and left.
So now I've applied for unemployment, got forbearance on student loans until next October and will try to consolidate a couple of my credit accounts that I have with Wells Fargo (since they've offered a million times before and I turned them down) and based on our personal budget, so long as we pay for our NEED expenses only, then we can pretty well make it forever since much of our debt balances will work to zero by next summer and that should help us out just as the money is running out.
Just to ease the pressure and questions, we still have money to do the things we've already planned through the rest of 2008 including coming up for Christmas. We've saved away a certain amount for those things and the money is already there. Spending them will not put us in a bad spot so we're going ahead with our plans.
We have a friend of ours coming out from Ottawa for a week, we're doing Halloween with friends in Chandler, AZ and then there's Christmas. Victoria is working extra overtime so we can get me some of the clothes I need. My Dockers are frayed at the bottoms and I'm running out of t-shirts that I can use as undershirts and mostly short sleeve button up business shirts. So hopefully that money will allow me to get those things I need and then we'll be all set until I get a new job.
I plan on applying for permanent positions right away including at UCSD which pays pretty well. Victoria is helping me with that. After Rhian goes back to Ottawa I'll apply with temp agencies and if I still have nothing in six months I may start looking at ANYTHING that I might possibly be able to do.
Anyways, prayers will help as usual. This economy is the pits. Everything I'm hearing is that I could be out of work for a long time since even temp agencies are having trouble placing people but I'm crossing fingers, praying to Heavenly Father and I have faith that something better than I had is around the corner. It might not come as fast or in the way I want it to but I'm sure it will come all the same.
Love you all and miss you terribly. This blog has become such a great blessing. I love hearing from you guys so far and it makes me feel so much closer to you.
Voting
I went to an 'early voting' site today, waited 20 minutes in line and cast my 2008 vote. This was SOO much better than the several (over 2 I think) hours in line at the primary election. This time I was standing between 2 elderly people in line, who were clearly voting for McCain. They were speaking back & forth a bit. At one point one said, "Obama scares me", to which the other agreed. One's husband chimed in, "He's a socialist!" I simply said, "There have been an awful lot of untrue things circulating about him."
I haven't been much of a part of the system this time around, since I spend so much of my time in what I call my 'cave'. I'm so embroiled in work, school, studying, and have been spending a considerable amount of time at my grad study carrel in the 'grad lab' on the 3rd floor of the McKay (Education) building. I did try to go to some reputable websites for information, but I would have liked to have felt more well-informed. In 4 more years I should be more free to do a more careful study.
I will reveal that I supported Obama alot because he seems to have plans outlined, even if I can't see where the money will come from to carry them out; he also seemed to avoid badmouthing McCain and stuck to issues; Joe Biden gives a favorable impression, although I don't specifically know his record;
My vote was also in part an anti-McCain vote due to his Iraq stance, and an unfavorable impression I have of Palin.
Embarrassingly, I forgot to look at what either candidate plans to do about education! I was a little more concerned about Iraq, Afganistan, an the economy.
Does anyone want to fill in the blanks for me? I know Daniel is usually abreast of politics.
I haven't been much of a part of the system this time around, since I spend so much of my time in what I call my 'cave'. I'm so embroiled in work, school, studying, and have been spending a considerable amount of time at my grad study carrel in the 'grad lab' on the 3rd floor of the McKay (Education) building. I did try to go to some reputable websites for information, but I would have liked to have felt more well-informed. In 4 more years I should be more free to do a more careful study.
I will reveal that I supported Obama alot because he seems to have plans outlined, even if I can't see where the money will come from to carry them out; he also seemed to avoid badmouthing McCain and stuck to issues; Joe Biden gives a favorable impression, although I don't specifically know his record;
My vote was also in part an anti-McCain vote due to his Iraq stance, and an unfavorable impression I have of Palin.
Embarrassingly, I forgot to look at what either candidate plans to do about education! I was a little more concerned about Iraq, Afganistan, an the economy.
Does anyone want to fill in the blanks for me? I know Daniel is usually abreast of politics.
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